“Leaders who don’t listen will eventually be surrounded by people who have nothing to say.” – Andy Stanley
It’s taken me the best part of a year to process walking away from a job I built and a company I called ‘home’ for the last 8 years; in many ways, like the end of a relationship there is much to accept, reflect and rebuild. Us lawyers love a process!
There are now LOADS of articles published from both an employer and employee perspective as to why one should never refer to their colleagues as their ‘family’ but why it’s a rational idea to identify with a sense of family in the workplace. But leadership and the culture of management can set you up for huge disappointment.
As a big fan of the Harvard Business Review and HBR Women at Work podcasts one article titled ‘The toxic effects of branding your work place a family’ focuses on corporate culture, relationship expectations, performance and the role loyalty plays. Worth a read.
I read a quote on LinkedIn: ‘Never push a loyal person to the point they no longer care’. This was a real trigger thought for me. It really articulated a feeling I couldn’t put my finger on or find the words to explain. Family and loyalty often go hand in hand as with many company / employee relationships; a sense of belonging, emotional attachment, socialising and your ‘whole self’ is encouraged but it’s not always two-way.
Lesson 1: Loyalty; what I once considered to be one of my biggest strengths became my biggest weakness.
Sometimes you need to break to rebuild your purpose
It’s also not an easily fixable problem when it no longer feels right staying when values diverge. It’s a very distracting noise. Companies can be good at fixing many employee related problems, be it a salary review or an internal job move but not this. For an employer, they have a broken and burnt out employee.
Trust me, it’s also tough to come back from once your attitude and motivation starts snowballing and you realise you are silently suffering. It makes the smallest tasks difficult to complete and creates dread ahead of meetings. I eventually became quieter and quieter and quieter. This was very unlike me. If I was surrounded by colleagues [read ‘family’] why was no one there to support me or be my voice when I became quiet, I thought?
Lesson 2: No one in the workplace is your family and best not to foster that mindset or language. Instead, focus on performance and objectivity.
Dig deep
I don’t personally think sharing detailed negative experiences about your employer gets you anywhere and this post isn’t about that.
It’s about focusing on a mindset and self awareness that will either serve you when you endure challenges or give you the conviction and strength to walk away, cut it off when it no longer feels right. Don’t underestimate yourself. Both are tough and both pave an uncertain future ahead. But going through turbulence and concluding the process one way or another provides a sense of control and a handle on life.
It’s often said the longer you stay with one employer, the harder it becomes to leave and that definitely resonated. But at what cost? This is unlike family where you don’t get the option to leave. You become invested in so many ways and the prospect of ‘starting again’ feels enormous. Too enormous to many. Most of the investment is material but for me I was genuinely saddened to think of many of my relationships with my colleagues coming to an end. It was definitely emotional. But fundamentally in a corporate sense I knew had been pushed to the point of no longer caring and I fell out of love with my purpose of being there.
Lesson 3: your conscience is strong, listen to it. When something no longer feels right, it probably isn’t.
Be patient with yourself
There’s no better conscionable and fundamental underlying feeling you get knowing you’ve made the right decision and what stems from that is a sense of inner strength and self-assurance.
But it takes time to get there and if you are an overthinker like me the days can be quite tormenting when you can’t see the certainty ahead.
I learned to be patient with myself. With my lawyer hat on I proceeded to leave while covering off risk by securing another job even though it wasn’t an opportunity I was running towards. The Universe then threw me another curve ball and a few months later my Son, Felix was born; my third child and once again, parenting gave me an entirely new perspective on life’s adventures!
Life will keeping moving you along
Lesson 4: Allow yourself to be open and opportunity will come
It’s taken a year to get here, that’s been more full of self-reflection, processing disappointment and enjoying the most wonderful little boy without any work pressures, than future facing. I’ve been absorbing every minute, practicing being present for my family and accepting it’s ok to not always feel ok and give myself time, the answers will come.
I’ve also connected with and re-connected with many wonderful legal professionals in my network, lunches, round tables, more lunches and brainstorming how I want my future facing career to look and it’s all quite exciting.
Snippets of 2023 that have filled me with gratitude and helped me anchor my new ‘re-purpose’:
- Valuing small things like driving my daughter to school every day and helping her learn to read is very cool
- Watching my son’s swim lessons mid-afternoon without work pressures
- Returning to full on study to take my Chartered Company secretary exams and exploring a new direction full of impressive professionals
- Slowing the pace of each day and being more available to my children
- Creating room in my life to live more healthily
- Pursuing charitable opportunities; working with a Homeless charity in London who run a Women’s Group
- Exploring trustee roles
- Considering my next move!
Lesson 5: Leaving a job takes courage. Sometimes you have to let go to re-discover your purpose. Your ‘family’ isn’t going to rescue you. Drive your own change.
Right now, I believe I’m exactly where I am meant to be.
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